It isn't any easier...

I ended a relationship, and felt nothing for three weeks. Now I feel like my heart has been burned. Not a little burn, but an engulfing white hot, not even a cinder remains, burned. I know that the relationship had issues and would never of ended in a marriage like he would of liked so it was best for me to end the engagement but still, I feel hollow and ashen. I can't even cry for the loss I feel just blasted by the end of it all, for the future that never could of been.. It's like the crushing realization and devastating finality of the end finally hit me and I can't escape the pain that I inflicted upon him and me. I can't breathe, can't shake the sadness, can't go back, can't go forward.

Can't show the girls or anyone else how much this hurts me or the depth of my sadness.

I ache to talk to him and to make him feel better, to make my own heart feel better, to apologize to cry to hold him and see his face again.

But I can't. I would either be shut out completely or worse for both of us, back together.

How do I move forward? How do I heal?

I found a line from a girlfriend tonight, and it was so fitting for how I feel:

"I want you whole–not just held together because I am willing to cut myself into pieces to paste together your cracks." Lacee







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:E Nova Ave,Littleton,United States

a quick note

I am not the Blah, Blah sad little thing that I have been for the past few posts.. I strive for peace and happiness in my life, and usually have it..

But I want it all..

I want my daughters to be proud of me, and to have the best possible start to their happy lives. This doesn't mean I spoil them, but they will not want for opportunity to be successful.

I want good.. no Great friends I can depend on, and the love of my life.

I love the work that I do for my Soldiers, I love that they can depend on me when they need the job done.

I want to find my creative side and "Art it up" a bit.

I play with my daughters and dogs, and I know that I have been blessed with a Charmed Life. It hasn't all been easy, but it has never been truly hard.. I wonder if that is because I was taught to appreciate small things and be more considerate of others than the average child? Does my outlook change my reality?

Here is to hoping for all of my and your dreams to come true..

I miss my sister.

A little over a year ago, My family was torn apart by my sister and her mental illness. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her.. Her daughter, My Niece is a year old.. I have never seen her.. No one on my side of the family has..

I don't understand how this happened.. How did she come to hate us so much? Because we couldn't support her in her Anorexia (during her pregnancy), We would ask how she is feeling? How was the last doctor's appointment.. Its just hurtful.

I miss your happy face..I miss seeing you smile.. I miss my sister..

I don't miss your judgement. I don't miss you calling me a whore because James cheated and I divorced him. I don't miss playing your games.

I miss the person you were.. Before everything changed..

But I don't want to go!!

I have had so much fun working at the Garrison Headquarters.. I don't want to go back to my "old" job.. I still haven't heard anything from Homeland Security.. I guess no news is good news... I keep trying to visualize working there, Living in Denver again. I'm hopeful.

I've been dealing with a C5-C6 disk rupture for a little over a week now..

New Camera..To document our new life..

Aaron and I managed to clean out and close out the storage unit over the weekend.. It held the last bits of my former life. There were wedding photos, old clothes (mine, kids and James') kitchen supplies, decorations from two houses ago. It's amazing to me what a time machine a storage unit can be. It took three trips to clean out the unit, between Aaron's big truck and my SUV with all of the seats down. it filled my 2 car garage. He and I spent hours Saturday and Sunday sorting and throwing things away.. 80% of what was in storage went to goodwill.. 5% was garbage, 5% I put on Craigslist, 10% I kept.

The best thing that I found was a motorcycle trailer that James told me to Get rid of.. because he didn't want it..The dang thing sold for 550.00!! I've also sold an old 4 poster bed frame and a weight bench.. and managed to save 120.00 per month in not having a storage unit..

So,

I bought a really good camera. It's a Nikon 10.3 MP DSLR. It shoots in HD for both photos and video, and has a 28x zoom.. I swear, I was able to take a shot of a flower from a half mile away.. it was amazing.. the micro photos are beautiful as well.. The camera has more features than I could ever use.. But I really like the smart portrait setting.. It will "see" a smiling face and track it and get the photo.. Did I mention the 16 frames per second? Oh yes, this makes me happy since everyone in my family moves at the speed of light, and I always seem to get blurry shots.. I can't wait for Spring soccer now..

 I can almost burst that I have an outlet again.. It has been so long!! The kiddos are already tired of me following them around and taking sneak shots while they are doing mundane things like homework (Piper) and Singing & dancing to the TV (McKenna), it was a fun night.. They even figured out how to turn on the night vision and take photos of me with "Spooky Eyes".

I think that the camera is going to be a good thing.. I want to have memories with my girls, and my old little 5MP camera just wasn't making the cut in my book.. McKenna was more than happy to inherit it. She took some great photos from the Baseball game yesterday with her class.. It's amazing to see her point of view in the photos.. there was only one image of the game.. All of the rest were of her friends, her teacher, and the activities of the day.. There was even a shot of her lunch.. Silly girl!.. The photos of the bus ride back to the school was the best..

What made me the happiest was that she was smiling in each and every photo.. She is a happy, healthy kid.. and Life is Good!!

Nerves get on my Nerves

Life has been a little on the crazy side in my neck of the woods.. I sneezed Sunday night and managed to injure myself.. It didn't hurt too badly Monday, just a little catch in my neck like I had slept on it funny.. It hurt more as the day wore on it began to hurt much worse and travel from my neck to behind my left shoulder blade and down my left arm.. I went home and had Piper roll up my back (sounds odd, but the kid has a way of rolling from my shoulders to hips and it always pops what needs to be popped) Anyway, she put her hands on my left shoulder blade as I was lying on the floor and I felt a pop and extreme pain. I couldn't breathe, move or feel my left arm at all.. I cried out and shook.. It was awful.. I had to call out of work the next day and see a chiropractor. Apparently I have a bulging disk in my C5-C6, which was caused by... Sneezing! When Piper touched me, it allowed the bulge all of the way out... Poor girl thought that she hurt me..

So I have had one adjustment on Tuesday, Primary care doctor gave me a shot of a steroid and muscle relaxer and an anti-inflammatory felt a little better with the muscle relaxer (read: I passed out!) Wednesday was a little better but still couldn't stand to be at work and noticed that I can't cross my left leg over my right.. it hurts. I have another adjustment this afternoon. I hope all of this is over soon.. I am not a huge fan of feeling loopy or dingy and the muscle relaxers make me feel just like that.. And for anyone who knows me, I talk.. A LOT.. and with the muscle relaxers, I talk out of my head.. McKenna had to tell me to be quiet.. It was funny..
I never gave much thought to the importance of my spine before there was something wrong with it.. Be kind to your body..

More coming.. I have a lot on my brain today and I have to keep my thoughts together in seperate posts..

Little things I love today

I'm sitting here in the small kingdom known as My Cube (awesome country, you should visit) and I get a phone call from my oldest daughter.. She's telling me that she has been dropped off after school, and rattles through the highlights of her day (read: Classwork, friends, what she had for lunch, a cool rock she found, the possibility of a sleepover at a friends house and a ladybug landed on her and she and the ladybug made it most of the way home together) this entire conversation took less than 10 seconds.. The child talks just as fast as I do and skips around like me.. But my favorite moment, my absolute favorite moment is when she and her sister sing-song chorus, "We Looooovvveee you Maaammmmaaa!' and McKenna says Buh-Bye..

Where did the kiddo learn to Buh-Bye me so cutely? I just love it!!