a quick note

I am not the Blah, Blah sad little thing that I have been for the past few posts.. I strive for peace and happiness in my life, and usually have it..

But I want it all..

I want my daughters to be proud of me, and to have the best possible start to their happy lives. This doesn't mean I spoil them, but they will not want for opportunity to be successful.

I want good.. no Great friends I can depend on, and the love of my life.

I love the work that I do for my Soldiers, I love that they can depend on me when they need the job done.

I want to find my creative side and "Art it up" a bit.

I play with my daughters and dogs, and I know that I have been blessed with a Charmed Life. It hasn't all been easy, but it has never been truly hard.. I wonder if that is because I was taught to appreciate small things and be more considerate of others than the average child? Does my outlook change my reality?

Here is to hoping for all of my and your dreams to come true..

I miss my sister.

A little over a year ago, My family was torn apart by my sister and her mental illness. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her.. Her daughter, My Niece is a year old.. I have never seen her.. No one on my side of the family has..

I don't understand how this happened.. How did she come to hate us so much? Because we couldn't support her in her Anorexia (during her pregnancy), We would ask how she is feeling? How was the last doctor's appointment.. Its just hurtful.

I miss your happy face..I miss seeing you smile.. I miss my sister..

I don't miss your judgement. I don't miss you calling me a whore because James cheated and I divorced him. I don't miss playing your games.

I miss the person you were.. Before everything changed..

But I don't want to go!!

I have had so much fun working at the Garrison Headquarters.. I don't want to go back to my "old" job.. I still haven't heard anything from Homeland Security.. I guess no news is good news... I keep trying to visualize working there, Living in Denver again. I'm hopeful.

I've been dealing with a C5-C6 disk rupture for a little over a week now..

New Camera..To document our new life..

Aaron and I managed to clean out and close out the storage unit over the weekend.. It held the last bits of my former life. There were wedding photos, old clothes (mine, kids and James') kitchen supplies, decorations from two houses ago. It's amazing to me what a time machine a storage unit can be. It took three trips to clean out the unit, between Aaron's big truck and my SUV with all of the seats down. it filled my 2 car garage. He and I spent hours Saturday and Sunday sorting and throwing things away.. 80% of what was in storage went to goodwill.. 5% was garbage, 5% I put on Craigslist, 10% I kept.

The best thing that I found was a motorcycle trailer that James told me to Get rid of.. because he didn't want it..The dang thing sold for 550.00!! I've also sold an old 4 poster bed frame and a weight bench.. and managed to save 120.00 per month in not having a storage unit..

So,

I bought a really good camera. It's a Nikon 10.3 MP DSLR. It shoots in HD for both photos and video, and has a 28x zoom.. I swear, I was able to take a shot of a flower from a half mile away.. it was amazing.. the micro photos are beautiful as well.. The camera has more features than I could ever use.. But I really like the smart portrait setting.. It will "see" a smiling face and track it and get the photo.. Did I mention the 16 frames per second? Oh yes, this makes me happy since everyone in my family moves at the speed of light, and I always seem to get blurry shots.. I can't wait for Spring soccer now..

 I can almost burst that I have an outlet again.. It has been so long!! The kiddos are already tired of me following them around and taking sneak shots while they are doing mundane things like homework (Piper) and Singing & dancing to the TV (McKenna), it was a fun night.. They even figured out how to turn on the night vision and take photos of me with "Spooky Eyes".

I think that the camera is going to be a good thing.. I want to have memories with my girls, and my old little 5MP camera just wasn't making the cut in my book.. McKenna was more than happy to inherit it. She took some great photos from the Baseball game yesterday with her class.. It's amazing to see her point of view in the photos.. there was only one image of the game.. All of the rest were of her friends, her teacher, and the activities of the day.. There was even a shot of her lunch.. Silly girl!.. The photos of the bus ride back to the school was the best..

What made me the happiest was that she was smiling in each and every photo.. She is a happy, healthy kid.. and Life is Good!!

Nerves get on my Nerves

Life has been a little on the crazy side in my neck of the woods.. I sneezed Sunday night and managed to injure myself.. It didn't hurt too badly Monday, just a little catch in my neck like I had slept on it funny.. It hurt more as the day wore on it began to hurt much worse and travel from my neck to behind my left shoulder blade and down my left arm.. I went home and had Piper roll up my back (sounds odd, but the kid has a way of rolling from my shoulders to hips and it always pops what needs to be popped) Anyway, she put her hands on my left shoulder blade as I was lying on the floor and I felt a pop and extreme pain. I couldn't breathe, move or feel my left arm at all.. I cried out and shook.. It was awful.. I had to call out of work the next day and see a chiropractor. Apparently I have a bulging disk in my C5-C6, which was caused by... Sneezing! When Piper touched me, it allowed the bulge all of the way out... Poor girl thought that she hurt me..

So I have had one adjustment on Tuesday, Primary care doctor gave me a shot of a steroid and muscle relaxer and an anti-inflammatory felt a little better with the muscle relaxer (read: I passed out!) Wednesday was a little better but still couldn't stand to be at work and noticed that I can't cross my left leg over my right.. it hurts. I have another adjustment this afternoon. I hope all of this is over soon.. I am not a huge fan of feeling loopy or dingy and the muscle relaxers make me feel just like that.. And for anyone who knows me, I talk.. A LOT.. and with the muscle relaxers, I talk out of my head.. McKenna had to tell me to be quiet.. It was funny..
I never gave much thought to the importance of my spine before there was something wrong with it.. Be kind to your body..

More coming.. I have a lot on my brain today and I have to keep my thoughts together in seperate posts..

Little things I love today

I'm sitting here in the small kingdom known as My Cube (awesome country, you should visit) and I get a phone call from my oldest daughter.. She's telling me that she has been dropped off after school, and rattles through the highlights of her day (read: Classwork, friends, what she had for lunch, a cool rock she found, the possibility of a sleepover at a friends house and a ladybug landed on her and she and the ladybug made it most of the way home together) this entire conversation took less than 10 seconds.. The child talks just as fast as I do and skips around like me.. But my favorite moment, my absolute favorite moment is when she and her sister sing-song chorus, "We Looooovvveee you Maaammmmaaa!' and McKenna says Buh-Bye..

Where did the kiddo learn to Buh-Bye me so cutely? I just love it!!

Month 4 Update..

Four Months down.. Maybe one or two to go.. I have to say.. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! My skin is no longer red, flaky.. I don't wear foundation anymore, and I have only had one very small pimple.. I just can't believe the difference.. It is nothing short of astonishing!!

I have uploaded a photo that I took over the weekend.. I have to say.. I'm lookin pretty good..

I still go crazy over the chapstick, and always, always, always have a tube or 20 with me.. I'm still very sun sensitive and feel very overexposed when I go outside without long sleeves on.. My arms and shoulders are very dry, thank god for CereVe.. It's the only thing that is holding me together..

I had four days off of Accutane this month, because my Derm went on Vacation.. I was a little worried and had still been dealing with the side effects of the Accutane. Within the second day the (facial) flaking stopped (and still hasn't come back), The bloody noses stopped (but have returned) My sense of smell and taste returned by the second day..and the joint soreness/stiffness was gone by the fourth day. It has also returned. I was relieved to just know that it was something that would go away quickly.. I have since somewhat lost my sense of smell and taste again.. I was only able to smell stinky feet (more like week old gym socks) If I was able to smell anything at all.. Now it has changed into the scent of something electrical burning.. It's odd to randomly smell Ozone, but it's better than stinky feet, so I'll take it!

It gave me hope that all of the symptoms went away fairly quickly when I stopped the medication it made me really happy that all of this would go away and stay away when I am finally done..

Now for another side effect that I hadn't anticipated.. Self-esteem.. We all have it, High, Low or in Between.. Mine was always pretty stable, I knew I was a smart cookie, could hold my own in conversation and relatively Okay looking.. But the Acne.. It's a self-esteem killer.. even when you look half decent, you always see people focus on certain points of your face and know that they can see what you are trying to hide.

But now?

BOO-YA!!

I'm damn Hot and I know it.. I show it.. I smile more, and generally in a Fantastic mood, and when the boy says that He loves me and that I am Beautiful.. I know that he means it.. He said that I was always beautiful.. But now I feel it.. I see it in the way that I am treated at work, by people that I come into contact with during my normal day and oh, yes, by the Jaw drop that I got from an ex.. Now that was PRICELESS..

For now, I have hope, boatloads of newfound self confidence, and happiness.. Life is good..

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new phone rocks

Suessical the musical

There is something quite cool Bout seeing your child on the stage. Even if it is only the 2nd graders school play. Regardless, I am very proud of my little one.. I've attached a photo of the rest of my little Family while we wait for Pipers debut!!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Norman Dr,Colorado Springs,United States

Laughable

I Heart this postcard!! Don't get me wrong, I completely agree with the sentiment of the card, just not exactly how it is printed.. I can't stand when people just espouse the party line without truely knowing the issues that the country is currently facing, and have no idea where they stand on an Issue until they know where Hilary, Obama, McCain, Palin or Rush stands on it.. Wake up! Educate yourself!! Think of the consequences of what is being proposed and vote with the truth that you find within yourself.

I feel superior to anyone who cannot think for themselves.

I especially Love how this Democrat Cannot manage to Spell Republican correctly.. LOLOL!!

March Update

Okay, I get it.. I suck at updating.. I am sorry.. It isn't like too much has changed for me.. Because really it hasn't.. Other than the Accutane stuff.. everything is really just the same..

Speaking of.. Acctuane sucks.. I am currently in month 3 week 2 and let me tell you, I will certainly be glad when this is over.. Now take into account that I am an unabashed whiner when I don't feel well.

I turn into a grown up whiny ass child.. to top it off, I can't drink for the 5-6 months that I am taking this medication.. Nothing like making a bad time worse..

So side effects.. First month, My hair, face and skin became less oily and looked pretty good.. For a few days, and then I began to get flaky.. I was shedding skin cells everywhere!! I turned red, like a cherry kinda red.. Maraschino to be exact.. and only from my shoulders up.. and everything dried out even further to the point where I was not only losing flakes of skin, but whole areas at a time.. One night I even lost all of the skin on my lower lip all at once! I average about 2 nosebleeds a day.. Makes life interesting.. random nosebleeds after sneezing, blowing my nose.. That's another thing.. I have been using a Neti pot with plain warm water to help the dryness, and then either snorting a very small amount of KY or applying a small amount of Vaseline to a wet q-tip and rubbing that into each nostril.. it helps with the bleeding and keeps the inside of my nose from ripping when I sneeze.. and Yes, I can feel it when it rips and then I have to run for a Kleenex because a massive nosebleed is coming..

Second month,

I go into a panic attack if I cannot find chap stick. I carry about 20 different types/flavors of lip balm at all times. these are in coat pockets, purse, work bag, gym bag, bathroom, bedside table, random window sills and at work. It's odd and probably excessive but I have never before actually finished a tube of chap stick that I can remember.. I have polished off 5 of them already, and I don't use just one at a time..

I broke out as I never have this month, and I was really, really feeling embarrassed about it.. I didn't want to go to class or to work.. Work wasn't so bad as I could hide in my cube all day, but school was intolerable.. I am working on an MBA and I shouldn't look like a damn teenager.. I noticed that it's getting harder to squat and get back up on my own.. I have been doing squats at the gym and when getting/putting away dishes in the kitchen and I have noticed that it's getting progressively harder to do this..

Third Month

I saw my Dermatologist today.. I am flaky, not quite as red and the nosebleeds have stopped for the most part.. I still get blood every time I blow my nose but I can live with that.. What I have been having a problem with is the joint pain in my knees.. I can't squat at all now without having to sit on the floor and finding another way back up. My lower back is really stiff, and going from a lying down or sitting position to standing takes a fair amount of stretching to make it back to upright. I feel like an old lady.. Because of this, Working out has pretty much come to a halt. I am tired all of the time, and I sleep when the kids will let me. I broke out pretty badly this month, oddly after I had a beer at a hockey game. Probably didn't help that I was also under some pretty serious stress from work as well. I mean really bad breakout. I am still flaking at a pretty decent rate, and I have noticed that if I do have a flare up, I will lose the skin around the flare up to 1.5 inches around. Sometimes larger. it comes off in sheets.. It's scary.. I have pretty much stopped wearing makeup except for eyeliner and mascara, everything else is just too irritating.. My hair is very dry, i condition every day but wash it every other.. I'm constantly itchy and am constantly using CeraVe, which is the best stuff on the market.. It makes my skin somewhat tolerable..

I have become extremely photo sensitive, sunlight hurts my skin and eyes, and night driving is awful! The contrast between dark and headlights is almost excruciating!

The Dr. said that all of my side effects are normal and will disappear when I am off of the meds, and he said that we could drop my dosing down, (I'm on 40Mg twice a day) But it could cause my treatment to be longer than 6 months.. I chose to keep the dosing and get off of it in 2 months rather in 3-4.. He also said that this last breakout coulod be the last one that I ever have.. GOD I HOPE! He said that after the 3rd month most people see steady improvement and finally end up clear..

I can't wait!


On the bright side, I have been on Weight Watchers for about 4 weeks now and I have lost 11 lbs without working out. They have some pretty awesome recipes, and just that has made me feel better about generally hating life with the constant itching and flaking..

I just keep telling myself that it is going to get better.. and it will all be over before I know it..


Photos coming soon..