Changes and a little venting..

I have been thinking quite a bit in the past few days about where I was a year ago and where I am now.. The changes have been remarkable. I left an extremely negative relationship, entered into another. I vowed to change everything that I had the power to change, read here: weight, fitness, attitude, family life, saving more money, focus and balance. It has been an interesting work in progress. I am not at my goal yet, but I try a little harder every day.. Even after all of this time it feels like I am just at the beginning of this journey. I feel like I haven't yet done enough. I have lost 60+ lbs, started a meditation program, and volunteered over 300 hours this year.. I began running (mostly for stress relief) and I have planned for 2 half marathons and a full marathon for 2012. My big goal is to run The Boston Marathon in 2014. Depending on how my halves go.. I might be able to pull off Boston in 2013 if I can qualify this year.. I have hope.. I have been thinking quite a bit about needs vs. wants. This mentality has really helped with the saving money aspect but hasn't been so helpful everywhere else. I feel like I am constantly analyzing my relationships and measuring them against what I have experienced and what I want in my life and what those in my life need from me. More often than not, I feel like I have have not done my best (with whatever is on my mind at the time), disappointed someone, allowed myself to be taken advantage of, taken on too much (personally and professionally) all for the sake of being Awesome. I have been burning the candle at both ends for so long, that when I have a free moment of quiet or stillness I find myself nearly panicking for fear that I am forgetting something vitally important. When I've convinced myself that I am not "missing" anything, I am left feeling empty and exhausted. It is infuriating. What have I done to myself? Is this really adulthood? This is Bullshit with a capital B. I don't want this. So.. I have spent (more time than I would like to admit) on figuring out who I am, what I think I want from life, and what I know I need. For all of my analyzing and rehashing, thinking and meditating, I have discovered the following: I want calm. I want to love every aspect of my life. I want to have balance between work and home. I want to cook and create. I want to write more. I want to stop doubting myself and my worth to others. I don't want to spend my life alone. I need stability. I need my family. (I've included my inner circle of friends here) I need to love and be loved in return. I need to be appreciated. I need a hobby. I need to learn to say "No". The more that I think of it, the more I think that the above will become my goals for 2012.. Now, to make it happen. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad