An email to my best friend

I am sorry about not getting to call you tonight. We had a rough time getting the kids to go to bed and then we caught up on a show. Honestly girl, I am torn.. Life these days post breakup and fighting have been oddly... Normal.. I catch signs of urges from him from time to time, wanting to hug me when I come home from work, walking past me and him putting his hand out to touch me but then pulling away before contact is made. It is those moments that cut me the deepest. It has only been a few days and already I am tired of myself for dwelling on what once was and what cannot be again. I want to reach out, to be held and to cry for the loss.. To gain comfort from the one who has hurt me so badly. I want these things with all of my being.. For moments. And then they pass.. And there is nothing left but that empty hole in my heart. It kills me that I feel so weak and out of control. And then the letter from Aaron. How do I even begin to address what I feel from that? I am trying (and failing) to see the simple intent that he put to paper. On the surface the letter is kind, acknowledging my pain and offering simple comfort in the form of words that comforted him in the aftermath of our break up and an offering of his concern and continued friendship. I cannot simply accept that the letter was written and sent with only that intent. I felt malice. I felt the sharp slicing of Karma returned. I broke his heart to save my own and now I am being returned that pain, and he knows it. It felt smug. Calculating. I will readily admit that my inferences to his intent could be wrong, but those feelings are my initial gut reaction. I feel spied upon in my pain. I feel watched. I feel like I have been invaded. There is a very large part of me that wants to send a reply, simply to know how he came to know what I am going through, and to ask him to please stop and let the past remain in the past. It would be so easy for me to simply let it go and continue with my campaign of silence. But I would still have questions. I have my suspicions of where he got the information, either from my sister, who might still be in contact with him or from mutual friends of Saman's ex-wife. Neither prospect would be appealing to investigate. If it was my sister, the growth that we have gained in the past few months would be lost to the betrayal of my privacy, if it was mutual friends of his ex-wife, there would be nothing that I could do about it anyway.

I feel so unanchored.

The saddest part in all of this is that I gave it my all. I really mean my ALL. Never have I put so much of myself into a relationship. I gave every part of me that I had to give to make it work, and I didn't even see the end coming. Me, with all of my planning, looking forward to plan for and overcome every possible roadblock on the path to happiness, never. saw. this. coming.

So what do I do now Niki? I've been playing happy, and most days faking it works. But I know what is coming.. The utter devastation has not hit me yet. But it is coming. It took three weeks after Aaron and I broke up for that wave to wash over me.. The depression and heartache settled over me for months, it took everything I had to get out of bed in the morning and simply function. Do you remember how bad that was? And the break up was on my terms.. How bad will this one be because it isn't? I rarely if ever admit to fear.. But Niki, I am scared.. Terrified of what is coming.

I almost don't know what is worse. Having him here through the loss and not being able to be the "Us" that I loved or knowing that I will lose his presence and our friendship once he moves out.

I have no answers. Only hurt.


Sent from my iPad


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Changes and a little venting..

I have been thinking quite a bit in the past few days about where I was a year ago and where I am now.. The changes have been remarkable. I left an extremely negative relationship, entered into another. I vowed to change everything that I had the power to change, read here: weight, fitness, attitude, family life, saving more money, focus and balance. It has been an interesting work in progress. I am not at my goal yet, but I try a little harder every day.. Even after all of this time it feels like I am just at the beginning of this journey. I feel like I haven't yet done enough. I have lost 60+ lbs, started a meditation program, and volunteered over 300 hours this year.. I began running (mostly for stress relief) and I have planned for 2 half marathons and a full marathon for 2012. My big goal is to run The Boston Marathon in 2014. Depending on how my halves go.. I might be able to pull off Boston in 2013 if I can qualify this year.. I have hope.. I have been thinking quite a bit about needs vs. wants. This mentality has really helped with the saving money aspect but hasn't been so helpful everywhere else. I feel like I am constantly analyzing my relationships and measuring them against what I have experienced and what I want in my life and what those in my life need from me. More often than not, I feel like I have have not done my best (with whatever is on my mind at the time), disappointed someone, allowed myself to be taken advantage of, taken on too much (personally and professionally) all for the sake of being Awesome. I have been burning the candle at both ends for so long, that when I have a free moment of quiet or stillness I find myself nearly panicking for fear that I am forgetting something vitally important. When I've convinced myself that I am not "missing" anything, I am left feeling empty and exhausted. It is infuriating. What have I done to myself? Is this really adulthood? This is Bullshit with a capital B. I don't want this. So.. I have spent (more time than I would like to admit) on figuring out who I am, what I think I want from life, and what I know I need. For all of my analyzing and rehashing, thinking and meditating, I have discovered the following: I want calm. I want to love every aspect of my life. I want to have balance between work and home. I want to cook and create. I want to write more. I want to stop doubting myself and my worth to others. I don't want to spend my life alone. I need stability. I need my family. (I've included my inner circle of friends here) I need to love and be loved in return. I need to be appreciated. I need a hobby. I need to learn to say "No". The more that I think of it, the more I think that the above will become my goals for 2012.. Now, to make it happen. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Just curious...

I am a good person, I work hard, I take care of my family, friends, coworkers, soldiers. I give of myself every.single.day. I try so hard to not complain. I change what needs to be changed for the good of all involved. I make a difference.
So why do I feel so run over all of the sudden?

When will I get to do what I want or need to do?

When did I decide that everyone else comes first, and that I come last? How is it that I have become so "okay" with this idea, until I am just flaming angry because I am settling for what I know I must live with?

When do I get to come first?

When does My Story, My Life, become everything that I dreamed it would be?

I just can't take much more..

Such a crazy week.. My head is so full and my heart aches..

I got a call from our higher Headquarters, asking for me tto justify my job.. Yeah, that was fun. Apparently they completed a manpower survey between when I was hired and when the previous analyst retired and determined that my position was not needed.. Little more on that, the soldier that they had filling in was only working on the Travel part of my job, which accounted for 75% of his job and the Brigade has taken over the budget side of the position which is currently 50% of my job. Now when I came on board, I took over both. Do the Math.. My workload is consistantly at 125%, meaning that I need help.. As much as I rock at work, I always feel like I am behind. I need help. Desperately. But back to justifying my job. The gentleman who called me, wouldn't tell me where or whom had told him to call me, (gotta love highers being vague) But said that he was working on sending a justification to DA to keep me.. I had asked him if he had spoken with my Boss and he hadn't... Why the hell would you go to the end user and not my command? It made no sense to me.. I filled my boss in, and had him call the Higher, they had a discussion, blah, blah, blah.. Told me not to worry.. But I did and do.. Hopefully, everything will be okay.. At least I know that while working on Government, nothing moves quickly, and I have been told that I am on the TDA for the next 3 years.  Just pissed me off that they would call and worry me for nothing.

Next issue

Ran into Aarons sister at the conference, twice. Didn't talk much to her the first time, but did the second.. Now he's trying to contact me  again. Please go the Fuck away.

Next..

Got a call from Lacey tonight that my mom had called the neighbor from Texas to Catch up. She was told that Charlotte was living back in Denver and is 38 weeks pregnant with a boy. I still haven't seen my neice Abby, and she is 3. Char has been on my mind quite a bit recently. I miss my sister. I miss her so much it feels like my soul is ripping into little pieces. But for her to be living in the same town as the rest of the family and to be pregnant and almost due without anyone in the family knowing.. It's just wrenching.. I grieve for the loss of my sister. It was her choice to have no contact with us, and it pains me that I have lost so much time with her, but that my kids won't know what it is like to have cousins around. That hurts much worse. I grieve. For her, me. The hurt that has been caused to my parents, My mom and the kids those are the ones that are innocent and did nothing wrong and suffer the most. I just wish, I wish I could call her, could be there for her. I want to know the kids.. I miss her laugh and humor. It's odd talking about a family member in the past tense when I know that she is living within a 20 mile radius of me.

Enough of this.. I have got to find that happy place again.

Night

fast and furious writing

I have been bitten my the writing bug.. Either that or my muse has just returned from a rather lengthy vacation.

The point is, I have churned out 12 ideas for childrens books, five new poems, four adult readers, two full outlines and one completed childrens book in four days. I even had a great idea presented to me during a nap.

It's probably because I have been pretty happy for the last couple of weeks.. Either that or it was simply a stress response from the latest budget crisis.. Regardless of the genesis of the lastest creative spurt, I am glad for it.

I have been thinking quite a bit about the disparities between the ability to write about the things that we desire and the ability to speak them to the people that we need to speak them to. I can recognize that I have not always lent voice to the emotions that I feel so keenly. I am working on this. Life is too short and Happiness too fleeting to not share it with the ones that give us joy, to those we love.

As Always, with Love,

Sarah

Happiness

I was reminded of my blog today by a very dear man who was looking out for me.. As I read my entry for January, my heart clenched, and I was taken back to that very bad day/situation..

And today.. I'm free..I'm happy.. I'm thankful..

It was a long road from there to here, and I'm grateful to those friends and family who helped to pull me through..just being there was enough

I thought about deleting the previous post because it was so wrenching but it needs to stay. The depth of that hurt was all encompassing for a time but illustrates the disparity between where I was and how far I've come...  One day, from there to here I woke up (cursing, it was Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays) and discovered, that I was over it.  The pain and hurt had lifted... I let go of the loss and guilt, the beating myself up for something that wasn't right in the first place.. I felt whole again..but enough of that...

Today is about happiness. I am happy. My life has come together both professionally and personally, I'm having much more fun and have fallen in love with my life and the amazing  people in it.

I want to feel how I am feeling forever.. Hope, happiness, joy, hopeful, calm, excitement (they dont often go together but go with it) accomplishment, love... All of the good ones.

Granted, there is someone who lends me his smiles, makes me laugh and reminds me from time to time how Awesome I really am.. I'm happy, but he magnifies it. I'm excited to see where this might go :)

Life is good.

It isn't any easier...

I ended a relationship, and felt nothing for three weeks. Now I feel like my heart has been burned. Not a little burn, but an engulfing white hot, not even a cinder remains, burned. I know that the relationship had issues and would never of ended in a marriage like he would of liked so it was best for me to end the engagement but still, I feel hollow and ashen. I can't even cry for the loss I feel just blasted by the end of it all, for the future that never could of been.. It's like the crushing realization and devastating finality of the end finally hit me and I can't escape the pain that I inflicted upon him and me. I can't breathe, can't shake the sadness, can't go back, can't go forward.

Can't show the girls or anyone else how much this hurts me or the depth of my sadness.

I ache to talk to him and to make him feel better, to make my own heart feel better, to apologize to cry to hold him and see his face again.

But I can't. I would either be shut out completely or worse for both of us, back together.

How do I move forward? How do I heal?

I found a line from a girlfriend tonight, and it was so fitting for how I feel:

"I want you whole–not just held together because I am willing to cut myself into pieces to paste together your cracks." Lacee







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:E Nova Ave,Littleton,United States