Just curious...

I am a good person, I work hard, I take care of my family, friends, coworkers, soldiers. I give of myself every.single.day. I try so hard to not complain. I change what needs to be changed for the good of all involved. I make a difference.
So why do I feel so run over all of the sudden?

When will I get to do what I want or need to do?

When did I decide that everyone else comes first, and that I come last? How is it that I have become so "okay" with this idea, until I am just flaming angry because I am settling for what I know I must live with?

When do I get to come first?

When does My Story, My Life, become everything that I dreamed it would be?

I just can't take much more..

Such a crazy week.. My head is so full and my heart aches..

I got a call from our higher Headquarters, asking for me tto justify my job.. Yeah, that was fun. Apparently they completed a manpower survey between when I was hired and when the previous analyst retired and determined that my position was not needed.. Little more on that, the soldier that they had filling in was only working on the Travel part of my job, which accounted for 75% of his job and the Brigade has taken over the budget side of the position which is currently 50% of my job. Now when I came on board, I took over both. Do the Math.. My workload is consistantly at 125%, meaning that I need help.. As much as I rock at work, I always feel like I am behind. I need help. Desperately. But back to justifying my job. The gentleman who called me, wouldn't tell me where or whom had told him to call me, (gotta love highers being vague) But said that he was working on sending a justification to DA to keep me.. I had asked him if he had spoken with my Boss and he hadn't... Why the hell would you go to the end user and not my command? It made no sense to me.. I filled my boss in, and had him call the Higher, they had a discussion, blah, blah, blah.. Told me not to worry.. But I did and do.. Hopefully, everything will be okay.. At least I know that while working on Government, nothing moves quickly, and I have been told that I am on the TDA for the next 3 years.  Just pissed me off that they would call and worry me for nothing.

Next issue

Ran into Aarons sister at the conference, twice. Didn't talk much to her the first time, but did the second.. Now he's trying to contact me  again. Please go the Fuck away.

Next..

Got a call from Lacey tonight that my mom had called the neighbor from Texas to Catch up. She was told that Charlotte was living back in Denver and is 38 weeks pregnant with a boy. I still haven't seen my neice Abby, and she is 3. Char has been on my mind quite a bit recently. I miss my sister. I miss her so much it feels like my soul is ripping into little pieces. But for her to be living in the same town as the rest of the family and to be pregnant and almost due without anyone in the family knowing.. It's just wrenching.. I grieve for the loss of my sister. It was her choice to have no contact with us, and it pains me that I have lost so much time with her, but that my kids won't know what it is like to have cousins around. That hurts much worse. I grieve. For her, me. The hurt that has been caused to my parents, My mom and the kids those are the ones that are innocent and did nothing wrong and suffer the most. I just wish, I wish I could call her, could be there for her. I want to know the kids.. I miss her laugh and humor. It's odd talking about a family member in the past tense when I know that she is living within a 20 mile radius of me.

Enough of this.. I have got to find that happy place again.

Night

fast and furious writing

I have been bitten my the writing bug.. Either that or my muse has just returned from a rather lengthy vacation.

The point is, I have churned out 12 ideas for childrens books, five new poems, four adult readers, two full outlines and one completed childrens book in four days. I even had a great idea presented to me during a nap.

It's probably because I have been pretty happy for the last couple of weeks.. Either that or it was simply a stress response from the latest budget crisis.. Regardless of the genesis of the lastest creative spurt, I am glad for it.

I have been thinking quite a bit about the disparities between the ability to write about the things that we desire and the ability to speak them to the people that we need to speak them to. I can recognize that I have not always lent voice to the emotions that I feel so keenly. I am working on this. Life is too short and Happiness too fleeting to not share it with the ones that give us joy, to those we love.

As Always, with Love,

Sarah

Happiness

I was reminded of my blog today by a very dear man who was looking out for me.. As I read my entry for January, my heart clenched, and I was taken back to that very bad day/situation..

And today.. I'm free..I'm happy.. I'm thankful..

It was a long road from there to here, and I'm grateful to those friends and family who helped to pull me through..just being there was enough

I thought about deleting the previous post because it was so wrenching but it needs to stay. The depth of that hurt was all encompassing for a time but illustrates the disparity between where I was and how far I've come...  One day, from there to here I woke up (cursing, it was Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays) and discovered, that I was over it.  The pain and hurt had lifted... I let go of the loss and guilt, the beating myself up for something that wasn't right in the first place.. I felt whole again..but enough of that...

Today is about happiness. I am happy. My life has come together both professionally and personally, I'm having much more fun and have fallen in love with my life and the amazing  people in it.

I want to feel how I am feeling forever.. Hope, happiness, joy, hopeful, calm, excitement (they dont often go together but go with it) accomplishment, love... All of the good ones.

Granted, there is someone who lends me his smiles, makes me laugh and reminds me from time to time how Awesome I really am.. I'm happy, but he magnifies it. I'm excited to see where this might go :)

Life is good.

It isn't any easier...

I ended a relationship, and felt nothing for three weeks. Now I feel like my heart has been burned. Not a little burn, but an engulfing white hot, not even a cinder remains, burned. I know that the relationship had issues and would never of ended in a marriage like he would of liked so it was best for me to end the engagement but still, I feel hollow and ashen. I can't even cry for the loss I feel just blasted by the end of it all, for the future that never could of been.. It's like the crushing realization and devastating finality of the end finally hit me and I can't escape the pain that I inflicted upon him and me. I can't breathe, can't shake the sadness, can't go back, can't go forward.

Can't show the girls or anyone else how much this hurts me or the depth of my sadness.

I ache to talk to him and to make him feel better, to make my own heart feel better, to apologize to cry to hold him and see his face again.

But I can't. I would either be shut out completely or worse for both of us, back together.

How do I move forward? How do I heal?

I found a line from a girlfriend tonight, and it was so fitting for how I feel:

"I want you whole–not just held together because I am willing to cut myself into pieces to paste together your cracks." Lacee







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:E Nova Ave,Littleton,United States