An email to my best friend

I am sorry about not getting to call you tonight. We had a rough time getting the kids to go to bed and then we caught up on a show. Honestly girl, I am torn.. Life these days post breakup and fighting have been oddly... Normal.. I catch signs of urges from him from time to time, wanting to hug me when I come home from work, walking past me and him putting his hand out to touch me but then pulling away before contact is made. It is those moments that cut me the deepest. It has only been a few days and already I am tired of myself for dwelling on what once was and what cannot be again. I want to reach out, to be held and to cry for the loss.. To gain comfort from the one who has hurt me so badly. I want these things with all of my being.. For moments. And then they pass.. And there is nothing left but that empty hole in my heart. It kills me that I feel so weak and out of control. And then the letter from Aaron. How do I even begin to address what I feel from that? I am trying (and failing) to see the simple intent that he put to paper. On the surface the letter is kind, acknowledging my pain and offering simple comfort in the form of words that comforted him in the aftermath of our break up and an offering of his concern and continued friendship. I cannot simply accept that the letter was written and sent with only that intent. I felt malice. I felt the sharp slicing of Karma returned. I broke his heart to save my own and now I am being returned that pain, and he knows it. It felt smug. Calculating. I will readily admit that my inferences to his intent could be wrong, but those feelings are my initial gut reaction. I feel spied upon in my pain. I feel watched. I feel like I have been invaded. There is a very large part of me that wants to send a reply, simply to know how he came to know what I am going through, and to ask him to please stop and let the past remain in the past. It would be so easy for me to simply let it go and continue with my campaign of silence. But I would still have questions. I have my suspicions of where he got the information, either from my sister, who might still be in contact with him or from mutual friends of Saman's ex-wife. Neither prospect would be appealing to investigate. If it was my sister, the growth that we have gained in the past few months would be lost to the betrayal of my privacy, if it was mutual friends of his ex-wife, there would be nothing that I could do about it anyway.

I feel so unanchored.

The saddest part in all of this is that I gave it my all. I really mean my ALL. Never have I put so much of myself into a relationship. I gave every part of me that I had to give to make it work, and I didn't even see the end coming. Me, with all of my planning, looking forward to plan for and overcome every possible roadblock on the path to happiness, never. saw. this. coming.

So what do I do now Niki? I've been playing happy, and most days faking it works. But I know what is coming.. The utter devastation has not hit me yet. But it is coming. It took three weeks after Aaron and I broke up for that wave to wash over me.. The depression and heartache settled over me for months, it took everything I had to get out of bed in the morning and simply function. Do you remember how bad that was? And the break up was on my terms.. How bad will this one be because it isn't? I rarely if ever admit to fear.. But Niki, I am scared.. Terrified of what is coming.

I almost don't know what is worse. Having him here through the loss and not being able to be the "Us" that I loved or knowing that I will lose his presence and our friendship once he moves out.

I have no answers. Only hurt.


Sent from my iPad


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Changes and a little venting..

I have been thinking quite a bit in the past few days about where I was a year ago and where I am now.. The changes have been remarkable. I left an extremely negative relationship, entered into another. I vowed to change everything that I had the power to change, read here: weight, fitness, attitude, family life, saving more money, focus and balance. It has been an interesting work in progress. I am not at my goal yet, but I try a little harder every day.. Even after all of this time it feels like I am just at the beginning of this journey. I feel like I haven't yet done enough. I have lost 60+ lbs, started a meditation program, and volunteered over 300 hours this year.. I began running (mostly for stress relief) and I have planned for 2 half marathons and a full marathon for 2012. My big goal is to run The Boston Marathon in 2014. Depending on how my halves go.. I might be able to pull off Boston in 2013 if I can qualify this year.. I have hope.. I have been thinking quite a bit about needs vs. wants. This mentality has really helped with the saving money aspect but hasn't been so helpful everywhere else. I feel like I am constantly analyzing my relationships and measuring them against what I have experienced and what I want in my life and what those in my life need from me. More often than not, I feel like I have have not done my best (with whatever is on my mind at the time), disappointed someone, allowed myself to be taken advantage of, taken on too much (personally and professionally) all for the sake of being Awesome. I have been burning the candle at both ends for so long, that when I have a free moment of quiet or stillness I find myself nearly panicking for fear that I am forgetting something vitally important. When I've convinced myself that I am not "missing" anything, I am left feeling empty and exhausted. It is infuriating. What have I done to myself? Is this really adulthood? This is Bullshit with a capital B. I don't want this. So.. I have spent (more time than I would like to admit) on figuring out who I am, what I think I want from life, and what I know I need. For all of my analyzing and rehashing, thinking and meditating, I have discovered the following: I want calm. I want to love every aspect of my life. I want to have balance between work and home. I want to cook and create. I want to write more. I want to stop doubting myself and my worth to others. I don't want to spend my life alone. I need stability. I need my family. (I've included my inner circle of friends here) I need to love and be loved in return. I need to be appreciated. I need a hobby. I need to learn to say "No". The more that I think of it, the more I think that the above will become my goals for 2012.. Now, to make it happen. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad